Novarks Christmas Gift Exchange

Post date: Dec 25, 2010 5:9:39 PM

Novarks Christmas Gift Exchange

Ho ho ho to the circumcised brethren that is the Novarks. Yes Christmas has arrived, and Santa (also circumcised by the way, when he dropped by last night I said, dick on the table if you want those cookies and milk…he complied) has left some gifts under the tree for the General Managers. And while Santa certainly can’t give every GM the championship they crave, he hopes to deliver something for everyone to help them along. So sit back and enjoy this festive treat.

To GM Steve Hallman: The development of Jordan Eberle and Logan Couture into top level players in the NHL. A small gift to the GM who has it all, two trophies and some nice pieces to build toward a 3^rd. It is never easy buried in the basement, but watching two electric rookies should get him through this long cold winter ahead.

To GM Jesse Loader: Keepers Keeper Keepers! Yes tank nation is in full effect this year, and with a plethora of draft picks, GM Loader is in a very enviable position. But the championship will be just out of reach if he can’t add three significant keeper chips. Santa has your back sir.

To GM Neutron: A Calder trophy race in 2011-12 that has not been seen in decades, as Brayden Schenn and Ryan Ellis embark on an epic sparring match for the duration of the season en route to a shared Calder Trophy and a combined 130 points between the two, a gold strike not seen since the days of ’49.

To GM Dave “King” Evans: Patience. Yes GM Evans has been treating draft picks like they grow on trees, attempting to fast track his way once again this year in a Burkean attempt to build a winner. Santa brings Dave the patience to hang onto those picks and build a winner.

To GM Nathan Weckworth: A rebuild. Santa is a very shrewd GM in his own right in the North Suck My Pole pool with the elves. And Santa recognizes when to cut his losses and aim for next year. Santa leaves a nicely wrapped rebuild under GM Weckworth’s tree this year.

To GM Chris Jaques: A trade for John Tavares. This talented kid is literally being destroyed playing on an Island in Nassau County. The prize youth of GM Jaques’ team has two years left on his Novarks contract, and Santa will bring Jaques a trade at the end of his rookie contract. With his new team, Tavares will break out and become the player he can be.

To GM James Daly: Santa brings to both GM Daly and super prospect Nikita Filatov a new year. Filatov was visited by three ghosts last night, the ghosts of hockey past, present and future. This experience has changed Filatov, he knows he can no longer live off his “potential” and shirtless beauty. Filatov has been scared straight. I cannot provide you all the details, but the ghost of Christmas Future was Pat Burns, and let’s just say Burnsy didn’t paint a bright future for the kid: cocaine, male on male prostitution, and Hitchcock heckling him via text, every day. Filatov will return to the NHL in 2011 and tear it up.

To GM Bob Linka: The Novarks passion that burns within us all. Hockey in the desert has always been a tenuous experiment at best, but Santa realizes the stability required for all 12 teams in the Novarks pool. GM Linka woke up Christmas morning in love with hockey. For reasons he cannot fathom he will go to shopnhl.com and purchase jerseys, hats, and other assorted things. He will talk our ears off endlessly this January about potential trades. He will yell at the TV. He will laugh, he will cry, he will personally design a pool expert mobile app out of his new found passion.

To GM Andrew Schuts: The necessary goaltending stability required to make a run at the championship. The struggles of St. Louis coupled with the merry-go-round involving Steve Mason and Michal Neuvirth has handcuffed this team from climbing the peak of Mt Novarks. But Santa has a plan; he whispered in Schuts’ ear last night…what could it be? Varly gets run over by a bus? Steve Mason finally gets it? Who knows, but stability will come.

To GM Will Keeler: The real Pekka Rinne. Santa realizes the uber talented Predators goaltender has not quite been himself this year. However Santa has blessed Rinne with new found health, and a stellar run of goaltending is just around the corner, which is just what Keeler needs to get back into this thing.

To GM Josh MacNaughton: Santa has cured GM MacNaughton of his debilitating fear, the GM crippling fear known as Tradeaphobia. Yes rotoworld reported that MacNaughton was diagnosed with Tradeaphobia this past Novemeber. When he made that small trade with Team Neutron, it was at the request of his doctors. It was a first step in the recovery process, and while apparently MacNaughton had to check himself back in for treatment after this, the rumour mill says he is recovering well and has actually discussed making another trade in January. No joke folks. The power of Santa is unstoppable.

To GM Pat Cloutier: Santa does not discriminate. He realizes the NHL season is long, with many ups and downs. And while GM Cloutier is stearing a winner right now, there are no guarantees. So Santa will bless Pat with a 2^nd goalie. Will Turco not suck anymore? Will Elliot go on a run? Will a waiver star fall in his lap? Santa is not telling, when I inquired he whispered “shhh circumcised one, wait for the magic.” Oh oh oh it’s magic. You know.

To the Beer Fund: Back debts paid.

So enjoy this magical day Novarks, help is on the way for us all. Merry Christmas.